Tag Archives | Lessons
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3 Pieces of Advice You Would Like Your Children to Remember

By on April 8, 2011 in Life Balance, Personal Growth

I recently ran across a note regarding an email conversation that I had with my husband last year while he was away on military deployment. We had started asking each other daily questions to stay connected and one of them was:

What are 3 pieces of advice you would like our children to remember?

I was struck by how profound our answers were even in retrospect. In the hopes of initiating a valuable discussion I will bravely share:

Mine:

  • Do the right thing even when nobody is looking.
  • Life is not about the big moments; it’s how you live every day that counts.
  • Live with respect, kindness, honesty and a sense a humor and surround yourself with others who do the same.

His:

  • Learn to pick your battles wisely.
  • Follow your dreams.
  • Surround yourself with positivity.

I invite you to join in our discussion. If you have children – or are planning to in the future – what would your 3 pieces of sage advice be?

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How to Write Faster (& Better)

By on March 31, 2011 in Success

A wonderful guest post to help you become a better writer/blogger.

Every writer would love to write twice as many words in a day, but a struggle develops when the energy is lacking to formulate enough thoughts to keep the writing fresh. Instead of focusing on the quantity of work that is generated each day, follow these ten tips to improve the quality of the work which will increase speed over time.

1. Read

The best writers are avid readers of multiple styles and topics. Mastery of the language is paramount to expressing thoughts through the written word. Choose some famous authors and read various works to learn new words and styles that will add dimension to every piece you write. Read books about topics with which you disagree. Learn to listen to various points of view and refine your beliefs. Every word you read will play a role in future writing attempts.

2. Think first

Spend just a few moments thinking through the various approaches that can be taken for the topic. Eliminate the extraneous subtopics that distract from the most important point. If one avenue of thought does not work, try another approach prior to writing one word on the page. Perform some research and combine multiple approaches for a unique slant on the topic.

3. Outline

The length of the article is irrelevant when creating a broad or detailed plan for the material. Shorter pieces are more difficult to write because every word must be evaluated for the power of its message. Outline each subtopic and then add three points to be made under the topic. As you write, incorporate the outline into the piece. Reading the next point on the outline will create natural transitions without much effort.

4. Follow the rules

Writing frantically and then having to correct every punctuation mark, grammar slip, and spelling error is a waste of time. If the rules matter in the finished product, every rule applies to the first, second, and third attempt. Slow down enough to master every basic rule of the language, but ease up on the need to make every sentence flow perfectly in the initial draft. Transition words and sentences can be added in the next pass, but fewer edits will speed the writing process.

5. Allow thoughts to flow

While referring to the outline allow the information in your mind to flow into the piece. Concentrate on organizing the overall piece but allow each thought to flow freely without questioning every word. The next pass through the material will reveal breaks in thought that can be smoothed out by adding a word or sentence.

6. Use your knowledge

Research is valuable up to a point and then personal experience must take over to make a piece readable and interesting. Writing about highly technical topics without any knowledge will cause the piece to be difficult to read and exhausting to write. The best reading material is written by people with extensive knowledge in many topics that can be leveraged to create unique perspective through the written word.

7. Avoid distractions

Writers tend to believe that the human mind can do multiple things well. When the office is quiet and distractions are eliminated, work is much easier and thoughts make logical sense. Close the door and turn off the phone for the length of time it takes to write a complete piece without any interruption and then review the work. Attempt this strategy for one week and see the difference in the quantity of writing generated with fewer mistakes.

8. Take breaks

Between topics get up from the desk and go take care of a small task that must be addressed. Shift your thoughts to the next topic and start to do the thinking about the approach you will take. As you return to the desk, begin to form the outline for the next topic in your mind and get prepared to write again.

9. Simmer topics

While working on other projects think about various topics that could be written. Keep a notebook handy and jot down some notes, and then think through each topic and search for a unique approach. Spend five or ten minutes on each topic and learn to use the passive portion of your mind for creative thought.

10. Refine your work

Review the work written in the past three hours and look for areas that are choppy and must be smoothed out with transitions. Notice how many grammar and punctuation errors you fix in each one. Strive to remove errors in the first pass to increase the proficiency of your writing.

Today’s guest post has been contributed by James who is a full time writer and a product reviewer on CartridgeSave, offering Lexmark ink cartridges and other accessories to the British Isles.

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What Can You Learn From Adversity?

By on February 11, 2011 in Success

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. – Anne Bradstreet

Be grateful for adversity. Challenges encourage us to grow. Crisis nudges us to wake up and do some searching of the soul. Difficulty sweetens the flavor of success. We need adversity to gain strength, compassion and wisdom. Anyone can “exist” their way through life. It takes someone with something special inside to triumph over adversity. Aren’t we all special in some way? I believe so.

Look back over your life. Haven’t some of your greatest lessons come from adversity? Aren’t you stronger than you were before? More capable? Wiser? Those among us who have never known the struggle of adversity, the trials of testing your limits have also never known the exquisite satisfaction of perseverance.

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This is where I

Looking Back to Look Forward

By on January 3, 2011 in Life Balance, Personal Growth, Success
This is where I've been
Image by nige_mar via Flickr

Looking Back

It’s helpful to periodically take a look back at where you’ve been; assimilate the lessons you’ve learned, get your bearings and figure out where you want to go in the future. In doing my annual look back at where I’ve been and what I learned over the last year I found some surprising, but choice wisdom.

Where I’ve Been

I was all over the map last year; I started two new websites and migrated two old ones, restructured and realigned my business, wrote a book on deployment from a spouse perspective, started 2 new books, sent my second child off to college, moved my widowed mother into a new home and helped her get the old one ready for sale, learned more about home repair than I ever wanted to and survived 6 months without my husband, who is still in Afghanistan.

What I’ve Learned

  • You can do so much more than you thought possible – This year I have had many firsts and am ever amazed at the expanding limits of my capacity. I started two new websites and migrated two old ones, restructured and realigned my business, wrote a book on deployment from a spouse perspective, started 2 new books, sent my second child off to college, moved my widowed mother into a new home and helped her get the old one ready for sale and survived 6 months without my husband, who is still in Afghanistan. Without my husband to lean on, I have learned my way around a caulk gun, helped to close the pool and successfully opened the fireplace while managing not to blow up our house.  Who knew?
  • Enough is perfectly acceptable – Who decides what enough is? The committee of “They?” Society? The business world? Our family? Friends? No. We do. I decide when something is good enough. How much time is enough? How much sleep is enough? When work is enough? What results are enough? What amount of money is enough? Maybe even how much happiness or joy is enough? What about love, how much of that is enough to give or receive? I don’t know the answers to all of those yet, but I’m working on it.
  • You cannot do as much as you think you can – In a seemingly direct contradiction of my first lesson comes the second one. Projects will take longer than expected, obstacles will arise and demands on your time and attention will test your limits when you can least afford it. You can’t do and be everything for everyone without losing yourself in the shuffle. I have found that when juggling competing needs, my time, my health and my care are the first to be overlooked. That can only lead to burnout.
  • Ask for help – Be open to support from wherever and whomever it comes and know who to ask for what – identify (at least in your mind) who will give you emotional support, who is your shoulder to cry on, you ear to vent in, who will offer sound advice, who will offer practical wisdom and think about the details, who can give recommendations and who can do repairs.
  • Keep your sense of humor – Life is so much easier when you laugh (even at yourself.) Don’t take life so seriously. Stuff happens, plans get derailed, things break, dogs throw up, your pool turns green, you get stuck in the ditch the first night of your vacation or maybe those things just happen to me…but at least I can still laugh at them.

I am my own worst enemy…no big surprise there. Aren’t we all? At this time of year when we are collectively making resolutions and setting goals for the New Year, these are the things I am thinking about. No resolutions or lofty goals this year, just an intention; an intention to push my boundaries, but to respect my limits, to try new things, but embrace tradition, to help others, but honor and care for myself and most importantly to embrace and acknowledge what is enough for me both personally and professionally.

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calm

Journey of the Peaceful Warrior

By on December 2, 2010 in Life Balance, Personal Growth

calm

Peaceful Warrior

Lessons Learned: Month 5

The sanity and comfort that we seek in our tumultuous times is found in the small gestures and the simple acts that are easily within our reach.

We joke sometimes, the other military wives and I about the dichotomy of our toughness and vulnerability that uniquely make up the existence of “home-front warriors.” I ponder this odd journey I find myself on and wonder what it means. The answer has not entirely revealed itself to me yet, but this I do know; that the tangled web of moments, decisions and experiences that unfold are culminating in the transformation of the woman, the peaceful warrior that I have blossomed into.

As month 5 draws to a close it’s time to reflect on what I have lost and gained.

What have I lost?

5 pounds – This can be fortuitous or worrisome depending on your point of view.

Any sense of control – I have come to accept that the military controls my husband, for the time being at least. God, fate or the universe (substitute whatever you choose to believe) control our world, our lives and our future. No one can control the thoughts and actions of others. Even my children are mostly beyond my control. Sigh. Influence yes, control no. The only thing I truly control is my perception and reactions.

Any smugness or impression of supremacy based on talents or accomplishments – I have learned how precarious my semblance of order, organization and competence are. Knowledge and discipline can only go so far regardless of how efficient your system is. Life intervenes and even the most skilled individual can be blown off course by crisis, turbulence, utter exhaustion and sheer overwhelm.

Fear of appearing weak – The last vestiges of worrying about how I am perceived by others has dissipated. I cannot exist totally independent from others and why would I want to? I ask for help freely, I admit my fears and worries openly and I accept support gratefully.

What have I gained?

A sense of trust – I trust my husband not to put himself in unnecessary danger, to tell me if there is a need for me to be concerned and to give his family the position of top priority whenever possible. I trust my husband’s fellow soldiers to do their best to keep him safe. I also trust in my ability to handle whatever life throws my way.

Unqualified acceptance – That does not mean that I give up my prerogative to complain or try to alter the course of events, but that I accept what is reality in whatever form that takes right now. I accept my lack of control. I accept that there will be hardship and moments of devastation. I accept that it is not all about me and sometimes there is just nothing that can be done.

A core of strength and peace – I have slowly come to experience a sense of peace, a certain kind of knowing that all will be well in the end. It’s a revelation of just how far the limits of my strength and capacity can stretch and an inner calm that flows along with that knowledge.

I am not a pacifist, not in your wildest dreams, but no longer will I obsess over worry and control that elude me. I have grown to embrace the title and meaning of “peaceful warrior.” The personification of that in practical terms means that I save my worry for true and real concerns right now, instead of future possibilities. It means that I save my strength for matters over which I can have some influence and affect some change. It means that I conserve and expend my energy in synergy with the flow of life and with respect for the needs of my body and mind. It means that I am calm and focused, compassionate and forgiving and equally fierce and powerful when necessary.

It feels akin to taking the first step on a new path of unknown destination with no idea what landscape I will see along the way. What I do know is that I intend to keep my eyes, mind and heart open to everything life has yet to offer me.

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Lessons Learned: Month 4

By on November 3, 2010 in Life Balance, Personal Growth

My husband has been deployed for 4 months now. Looking back gives the impression that time has flown by, but as it is passing it seems excruciatingly slow. A few more months to go, but we are on the downslide now.

Lessons Learned: Month 4

  • Put yourself at the top of the list – Don’t just give it lip service, do it! You’d think I would have figured that out in month 1, but for some odd reason human nature turns us into martyrs. We consistently slip to the bottom of the priority list, the section that we never get to. We tell ourselves that it’s only temporary and that sacrifices are necessary. Sleep – who needs it, meals – sitting or sometimes eating is optional, breaks – yeah right, relaxation – what’s that? If we are not careful, we sacrifice ourselves right into burn-out.
  • Approach a deployment as a 2nd job – We absorb dual parental responsibility, extra household responsibility and sometimes additional family responsibilities. In addition we need to set aside time to communicate and care for our partner from afar. Whether that takes the form of email, phone, Skype, mailing packages or all of the above, it is an additional time commitment that wasn’t there before. I received some very wise counsel this month from a brutally honest confidant. “You were operating with a full plate before your husband left. How did you honestly expect to absorb all of these extra demands and still keep everything in the air?” Well, I guess I never thought about it that way. Now I will.

This month’s take-aways; self-care is non-negotiable, delegate, defer or delete responsibilities to make room for extra demands.

Today I am grateful for the biggest lesson I have learned so far: Taking care of myself is the foundation for a fulfilling, purposeful life.

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Mother

Change Gives Us Branches

By on November 2, 2010 in Life Balance, Personal Growth
Mother's Love
Image by RoyaleScuderi via Flickr

Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights. ~Pauline R. Kezer

Continuing our month of thankfulness…

Today be thankful for change. Life is all about change, continuous change really. Without it we are a stagnant, stale shell of a human being.

Today my youngest daughter, Alexandra turns 18. This is my third child to attain “adulthood,” yet another transition in our lives. With only one “young child” left to care for I straddle the transition to adult parenting. One foot is trying to step back into something of a guide and mentoring role, while the other foot is still deeply involved in hands on parenting of an 11 year old. This balancing act is challenging at times. It requires reminding myself that at 21, 19 and 18 they are technically adults now and don’t need me to hover and swoop in to take care of them. At the same time I still get those frequent “Mom, can you help me?” calls. I find it’s a learning process to know when to step forward and when to step back and also to know when to put my hands in the air and give the tough love, you need to take care of this yourself message.

There is a certain continuity in parenting. We remain parents until our last breath; the worrying, the nurturing and the love remain. The change is in how we carry out our roles and in the growth of the relationship with our child.

Today be grateful for change. I miss those strawberry curls, that angelic giggle and those sticky kisses; but I embrace and look forward to the blossoming of the intelligent and kind, auburn haired beauty that is blooming before my eyes.

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The Passage of Time

How Do You Spend Your Most Valuable Currency:Time?

By on October 28, 2010 in Personal Growth
The Passage of Time
Image by ToniVC via Flickr

Are you neglecting the things that matter? Do you think you are somehow different than the rest of us? That you have more hours in the day or can get more done miraculously if you just get organized enough? Let me tell you right now, FORGET IT! There is only so much any one person can accomplish at one time. We are told we can have it all, but that is nothing more than wishful thinking. Be honest. Where are you falling short?

This week I was given some tough love. After taking my bitter pill, I decided to open my closet metaphorically and share my dirty laundry. I am a chronic over-scheduler, over-committer and plate-overflower ( I just made that term up.) I know I am not alone in the disease to achieve. A wise and insightful person pointed out to me that I was already operating with my plate filled to capacity before my husband left for Afghanistan. How did I expect to absorb extra responsibilities into my life and not neglect some things that matter? I don’t really want to hear that. While I cringe at the term “neglect,” it may be an arrow that hits too close to home. She told me what is always, without fail neglected first is yourself, because you somehow feel as though you are not deserving of your place on the priority ladder. Then, although it defies logic we neglect the other things that matter most to us, usually family, friends, home and fun. In some unfathomable twist of brain logic we tend to spend time on those things that don’t really matter in the long term picture of our lives. Why do we do this I want to know? Maybe someone wiser than I can figure out that puzzle eventually. My marching orders are to figure out what really matters, place a premium priority and focus on those aspects of my life and cut back or delete those that don’t.  I invite you, no; I implore you to join me.

Time is our most valuable currency, yet most of us squander it so easily.

What are the things that really matter to you?

What are the things that really won’t matter 20 years from now?

Are you spending your time in that order of importance?

What activities are you spending time on that don’t have a great return on investment?

Do you check your email first thing in the morning instead of taking time to exercise or eating breakfast with your family? I’m sure you’ll be glad of that when your health fails and your kids are gone.

Do you spend too much time on social media, email and news and information intake? Unless that’s your job, you will get better results if you spend your time on actually producing “work.” Those things are tools. Think of it in a more traditional manner. Would you spend 2 hours a day reading the newspaper or submitting press releases instead of making sales calls, product development or working with clients? If you’re at home, is Facebook more important than reading with your kids or making a clean and comfortable environment?

Do you spend more time “preparing and planning” than working. Either you’re an excessive planner like me, or you’re on the other side of the fence wasting time looking for things, straightening piles that shouldn’t be there in the first place, rushing for appointments that you forgot and playing catch up on emails that you should have responded to last week.

It’s not what we want to hear, but it’s what we need to open our eyes to the reality of how we spend our time. If you figure it out… please let me know.

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Defining Moments are the Checkpoints in Life

By on October 13, 2010 in Life Balance, Personal Growth

Do you know what your defining moments are?  We all have them, those marks on the timeline that separate our lives into before and after. If you stop to think about it you probably have many. I certainly do; the moments I got married, the signing of divorce papers, the births of children and without a doubt the death of my father are all forever etched in my memory.  As I look back over the 40+ years of my life, one moment clearly stands out as having had the most life-altering impact and serves as a checkpoint in my existence. On October 13, 1989 @1:28 PM life as I know it vanished, to be replaced by a fresh, uncertain reality. 21 years ago I became a mother. That’s it. A simple declaration, yet more than a label, it was an indescribable alteration of reality.

I think in our society we often give the importance of motherhood lip service, but for me truly, in a single second, the trajectory, focus and purpose of my life shifted. My views on religion, politics and the role of women dramatically changed. My goals and dreams were drastically transformed. The way I viewed life was now child-centered and then world-centered, rather than self-centered. I encountered fears and worries that had never plagued me before. Of course there was love that I was completely unprepared for and a strength and fierceness that I could not have envisioned. In that defining moment I became more; more caring, more determined, more thoughtful, more purposeful. And yes, I correspondingly became more anxious and more fearful at times. I became more of the person I was meant to be. My life is divided into halves; the 21 years before and the 21 years after. The funny thing is when I think back now I can hardly remember life before. My life has become all about life after.

In one lightening flash of an instant my heart cracked wide open and life rushed in…

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Month 3 Lessons Learned

By on October 5, 2010 in Personal Growth

I just realized that it has been 3 months already since my husband left for Afghanistan. I hesitate to say that I don’t know where the time went, because I do. It went to work, kids, home maintenance, family and volunteer commitments, worry and sleepless nights. Some of my time consumers are getting better; some worse. As the journey continues I continue to stretch and grow and learn along the way.

Month 3 Lessons learned

You can do so much more than you thought possible – This month I have had many firsts and am ever amazed at the expanding limits of my capacity. Without my husband to lean on this month, I have learned my way around a caulk gun, helped to close the pool for the season, successfully opened the fireplace while managing not to blow up our house, negotiated more car repair visits than I would like and helped my mom ready her home for sale. Who knew?

You cannot do as much as you think you can – In a seemingly direct contradiction of my first lesson comes the second one. Projects will take longer than expected, obstacles will arise and demands on your time and attention will test your limits when you can least afford it. You can’t do and be everything for everyone without losing yourself in the shuffle. I have found that when juggling competing needs, my time, my health and my care are the first to be overlooked. That can only lead to burnout.

For the month of October, which also happens to contain my birthday, I am renewing my commitment to me. I need the reminder that I am the central force and touchstone of our family unit right now and just like the crash scenario on the airplane, I need the oxygen mask first.

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